Below is the angry letter sent to Jack In The Box, Inc. regarding an unfortunate carding incident at one of their Bakersfield locations. Yes, I realize how stupid it is. I hope they do, as well.

This letter is concerning the current identification verification techniques used at your chain of JBX Grills.

Frankly, it’s poop.

Shortly after noon today, I stopped at the JBX Grill on California Avenue in Bakersfield, CA, and ordered a Veggie Signature Sandwich and a Budweiser. I was not yet drunk at this time. The staff politely asked for my identification—which is an out-of-state driver’s license (State of Alaska)—and then politely informed me that it would have to be shown to the manager for approval, as it cannot be conveniently scanned by the ID-checking device at the register (presumably keyed only to California licenses).

The manager supposedly consulted a manual on out-of-state identification cards, and returned shortly to (again, politely) inform me that the establishment was unable to cater to my very real need for a cold beer.

After the fact, I strongly doubt that the book was consulted, as the License in question is valid and unexpired.

Now, I understand that it was lunch time, and that the employees were very busy, and that expecting the manager to take the time to peruse the Out-Of-State License Compendium is asking a bit much. In fact, I’m certain that if I took the effort to rationally weigh both sides of the argument, I would be the one with the weaker case.

On the other hand, I really don’t care.

I wanted a beer and didn’t get one, which—in the case of borderline alcoholics such as myself—is a big freakin’ deal. The message I’m getting from JBX is that Mr. In-The-Box does not want me to have a beer. And that makes me sad.

Now, I’m certain that a myriad of sensible arguments can be made:

“Why not get a California Driver’s License?”
“Why not go someplace else that has a less-evolved system of confirming drinking ages?”
“Why don’t you just eat your damn sandwich and quit complaining?”

My response to these is simply, I don’t wanna. These are all sensible options, but do not in any way address my assertion that the ID checking method at JBX is, in fact, poop.

Also, and I’m no lawyer, but I believe that Article 4 of the US Constitution requires that “full faith and credit shall be given in each State to the public Acts, Records, and judicial Proceedings of every other State.” I know that JBX is a privately-owned and thus is not technically bound by the above, but they should be. If the police have to honor a contract between the State of Alaska and myself (in this case, my Driver’s License), the bouncer at the local bar or the person at the JBX till should have to as well.

Yes, my congressman will be receiving a similar, equally-asinine letter shortly.

I expect an apology in the form of a bottle of Budweiser delivered to the address below with all due haste.

The Veggie Signature Sandwich was surprisingly good, however.

I very much enjoyed the sauce involved in the creation of that tasty dish, and the choice of cheese was well-thought out. My only critique regarding the sandwich is that perhaps the portion is a bit large and may encourage over-eating.

Thank you for your time. In summary: method of selling me beer = poop. Veggie Signature Sandwich = good.


Fighting for Alaskans’ rights to drink beer in California,

--Jb
CEO FTW Inc.,
Address

In case any of you are interested in harassing Mr. In-The-Box, here's the mailing address:

Jack in the Box Inc.
9330 Balboa Ave.
San Diego, CA
92123-1516